What do you consider cheating? I am a Christian and I believe even an emotional affair is detrimental to a relationship. My husband has continually lied to me about things that if he were to tell me straight out I would have been mad but would have respected him because he told me the truth. But now in the last 8 months he has continually lied to me about going to porn websites after I nicely and respectfully asked him not to do so, and has actually wrote “Hey nice video” to a girl who hosts a webcam thing.
I’m not asking this to people who take relationships lightly. I took my vows serious when I got married and am extremely hurt about this. I am different when it comes to being loyal, lies realy upset me and I want to know your opinions..
Thank you all for your point of view, I found some of the answers a little heartless and some well…just plain bizzare. The man who wrote “just read the Bible, know who your master is and let your Husband have fun” something like that, I would comment on that but I think its speaks for itself. But for the most part I had a hard time choosing the best answer so I am extending my question and would like to thank the people who cared enough to write a honest answer that comforted and helped me understand what my Husband might be going through.
cheating is the penis entering the vagina. porn videos are just fun!
not cheating just good fun
Depends if she was better looking than you….XD
Sry, seriously, my grandmother said when her and grandpa went to a dance, they danced with whoever they want, but when they came home, they came home with each other.
and that, my friend, is what a marriage is about.
Personally speaking? It bothers me if he does this, but think of him actually doing it with someone else….this is a thousand times worse. I think pron is bad, but men are visually oriented. Women are tactile oriented, and can get aroused from reading a romantic novel. If you read romantic novels, then you are just as bad as he is.
You could watch it with him. It might spice up the bedroom.
No, most married men watch porn. If that’s cheating then, almost everyone cheats.
She probably gets thousands of comments, he’s just one of the many people thinking that she was good. Cheating is when you actually have sex with another person, this is masturbation.
why don’t you compromise. if his looking at internet porn bothers you, ask him not to look at online porn, but get him some porn videos and a subscription to a porn magazine. then he won’t be able to ‘chat’ with the ladies, but can still have porn around.
I’d consider it cheating.
How is it not emotionally cheating if he’s lusting after another woman whos not his partner or wife?
And I’m not even a believer. I’m agnostic.
I think that there is a big difference between looking at some magazine or even pics on a website, but if it is interactive yes definately cheating the only person who needs to be commenting on my husbands penis is me.
If you don’t like him watching dirty movies, it’s time to go to Victoria’s Secret and the gym and steal him back from the film floosies. You might even rent one or two yourself for future reference. They come in mighty handy sometimes, no pun intended. Just because you married him doesn’t mean you own him. H’s a grown man and he can do what he pleases, within reason. You two should sit down and work out a compromise before he takes a walk. He’s not cheating on you, but that could easily change. Pulling the sin card is never effective, because you sin too, sweetie.
You should pray more dear, and let your husband have some fun.
Read the Bible, not in “cafeteria mode” where you pick what you like and ignore the rest. You will see who is the boss and what could happen to you should you forget it.
With the love of Christ (of course)
maybe you married the wrong person then. obviously he doesn’t think the same. maybe this is just the start…or maybe this is only what you’ve caught him doing.
One thing you have to understand is that porn is an addiction for many people, and expecting your husband to just up and stop because you asked him “nicely and respectfully” is not very realistic.
If a metaphor to drug addiction is too scary, think of a person who comfort eats. They feel insecure, upset lonely, etc. so they decide to have some ice cream. Why can’t they just stop? B/c their habit is a coping mechanism that they have come to rely on. (P.S. Don’t make the mistake of trying to make him talk about his underlying emotions – most men are EXTREMELY uncomfortable with this.)
Speaking as someone who has experience, I can tell you that people visit porn websites for emotional reasons, usually as a way to self-medicate rather than feeling unpleasant, although normal, emotions.
Is it cheating? Only you can decide that, but keep in mind, he may be, and most likely is, turning to porn for reasons that have nothing to do with your relationship itself. I think a lot of women think the only reason a guy would look at porn is b/c he isn’t sexually satisfied with you. This isn’t true. Put it this way – if you were no longer in a relationship with him, he would probably still be looking at porn. It’s not a good pattern of behavior, but it probably doesn’t have a whole lot to do with you as a person. You can choose to support him in it, or you can choose to be angry with him over it, you can even choose to leave him over it, but it is his issue.
A man who looks upon a woman and lusts after her in his heart committeth adultery.
Even though your husband is “looking and not touching” he’s still committing adultery.
Pray and ask God for guidance on what to do, and pray that God will deal with his heart to show him what he is doing to you. And if he listens to God, then he should stop. I would try to work it out! here are a few verses for you.
KJV
Prov. 6:32 But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.
Matthew 5:27-28 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.
So, what your husband is doing is wrong.
I will be praying for you and him
No, he did not technically cheat, but he sounds like a jerk if he is lying to you about it. Why is he lying if it’s oh,so innocent?
I would not consider it cheating – and I do take my relationship seriously. I play in several RP (role-playing) groups online, and sometimes my characters will get into relationships with other characters, and I and the other players will play out a sex scene (which is like cyber, I guess, only more detailed and we’re playing the part of separate characters, not ourselves). My husband is perfectly okay with this. Just as I am okay with him looking at pictures of women in various stages of undress and commenting on their appearance. In fact, I usually join him and give my input, as we tend to find the same kinds of women attractive (I am bisexual).
However, the issue I would have a problem with is the lying. I do not appreciate being lied to. Trust is the #1 foundation of marriage (I put it over love, even). Is he lying because he knows you don’t approve of what he’s doing? Do you make a big deal out of his looking at porn? If he’s lying, then he probably knows how you feel about it, but isn’t willing to give it up for you.
No one can tell you how to feel. Myself, I don’t see it as a big deal. But that doesn’t mean you should feel the same. To me, the issue isn’t the porn but the lack of respect.
I am sorry for those who say it is not cheating, for they will never know what it is the poets speak of when they speak of love. For when one loves, then the beloved becomes the ideal of beauty, and as love grows this grows in such a way that nothing in this world is as beautiful as one’s beloved. And as every Warrior-Poet knows, our Honor is found in protecting the heart of their beloved. Alas, we live in a society that has no respect, or understanding of honor.
I put it thus, because all things aside, he is hurting your heart. and for him to do that, be willing to do that, means one or both of two things. Either he does not love you, or there is an addiction involved. I am willing to bet that it is the latter, and chances are this is not a new thing. That is, he used porn prior to your relationship to sooth over some physiological pain. A lot of people have issues with intimacy, heart wise, and detached sex (either in reality or fantasy) is often a means of filling the whole.
I have also put is such because in my experience as a spiritual director those who have overcome this has done so because of they have come to understand that their honor is found in protecting the heart of their beloved. That whether male of female, the relationship does much better when both partners strive toward this. And they learn that the fulfillment found in this is far greater then any momentary lust.
However, you also have to be realistic. Assuming that he can understand the honor part about it, there is a reason I call it an addiction. We all have pains from our pasts, and we all have ways in which we try to soothe that pain, some better then others. but in order to change the behavior, he has to deal with the pain, directly. Heal the wound, to use the common way of putting it. And this very often takes time.
I do recommend counseling so he can find why it is he feels he ‘must’ do something which so obviously hurts your feelings. Obviously this will take some patience on your part, which is an understatement. But it might helpful for you to understand that, just as with any addiction, the admitting there is a problem is the hard part. That if he is willing to work on it, there will be times he will mess up, but he will make progress. And just like other addictions, sometimes people will never want to change, regardless of what it costs them. That is, regardless the most important thing is that the relationship between you grows in intimacy, that heart to heart. if that happens, I have observed that most other problems seem to fade away.
The Everyman’s Battle is a rather good book on the subject, even though it seems to ignore that there are many women with a lust problem as well.
I think that people are going to do what they want to do and be who they are. Your husband would have told you about this if it was not going to be a big deal but it is a big deal to you.
“Hey nice video” is not really much of anything. I don’t think that porno is an emotional affair and being deeply religious I know that you are probably surrounded by people telling you to live in a way that is not realistic for everyone.
Lying is often a consequence of not feeling like you can tell someone the truth.
That being said all you can really do is accept it or not. While your husband is going to be who he is and do what he does, you are also going to do what you do. If it is unacceptable to you then you have to do whatever it is that you do.